Love is a place
by Sirius Toujours
Summary: Lupin, the last marauder, mourns over his love's death. Its a very moving story, filled with life changing decisions. Suicidal content. Slash. SL


Sniff... I actually started crying while writing this. They're just so perfect for eachother, Lupin and Sirius. This story is written from Lupins point of veiw, 2 months after Sirius' death. If you also think they are perfect for eachother, and you are very moved by stories, you might need a tissue.

* * *

Why did he have to go? To leave me? Finally we were starting to mend, to come closer together. Fate is so cruel. I don't know what's worth living for anymore. When they took him away from me the first time I still had hope. Somewhere deep inside, something told me, my heart told me, that he was truly innocent. Oh what a traitor I felt like when he came back. But he forgave me and once again took me into his arms. That warm embrace, with all the previous confusion I had swelling up inside of me finally gone, that embrace felt so right.  
  
And the second time he was ripped apart from me. I had only been with him for 2 hours in human form. This wound of mine, this flaw, it runs to deep. I feel the wolf constantly now, trying to burst out. Out of anger of him being gone. So I ran after him. We shared a common fate then, neither of us could live a normal life. I found him, in a cave, in the wilderness. However awful a condition he may have been in, I thought he was better than ever because he was there. There with me, and we finally understood each other.  
  
Besides, the one thing I truly cared about, the one thing that kept me going was him. Oh those gray eyes, when stared upon they looked like an endless abyss of sky, rising to the heavens. Oh how I could get lost in those eyes. That long wavy hair, so soft to the touch, how I wish to stroke it one more time. But I cannot. This is my burden, the burden I must bare.  
  
Perhaps, if I had done something that day long ago. It was the only day I could ever think anything less of him. To see him treat Severus like that, it was cruel, but I did nothing. Only if I had, perhaps Severus would have continued the occlumency lessons. And perhaps Harry would have mastered it, and blocked out the vision. Harry might not have gone running into the trap, he wouldn't have nobly ran to his godson's aid. He wouldn't have confronted Bellatrix, that vile evil witch, wouldn't have been thrown into that abyss.  
  
Ah... yes, that veil. It is one great mystery, as are most things in the department. What lies behind it? Possibly death. But what if it is something worse than death. What if he is suffering? I cannot let him. It is not fair, he has already endured more than any man deserves to.  
  
I have thought about ending my life right now, today, all alone. But I realize he would want me to live a better life, go on to do better things. But I cannot. However much I try, I will never be happy again. The others see it, the others in the Order. They watch me slip away each day. In the beginning they tried to comfort me, but it did not help. If anything it made me want to distance myself from the world even more. And that is exactly what I did.  
  
So now I sit here, with a knife in hand. I wonder what will happen to me, what decisions I will make in the future, but then I realize the future has come. The future, _my_ future, is to be decided right here, right now. But if he isn't dead, I will not see him again. That is what I fear. I do not fear my death, or pain, but if I won't see him again.  
  
An idea suddenly comes. To be sure to see him, I could go as he did. Slip behind the veil of all mysteries. We would then share a common fate. But is that fair to him? He was forced there, but I shall end my life by _my_ choice. However, I shall be with him again. What if he is isolated and alone? I must, I must see him, be with him, just one last time.  
  
I find myself walking. People around me are saying things, possibly yelling them. I can't tell. They are telling me I'm not in my right mind, that I should think this over. I can distinctly hear Molly's voice "Don't do anything rash! Please Remus!" But I do not care what they say anymore. And as I am at the door, the same door he loathed walking into, and I am sure had stormed out of in anger quite a few times, I see Harry. He looks at me, almost as if he was saying "Are you really doing this?" I just look back, but I know he gets the message. I know he understands. I just hope he will be ok without me. I now realize that I am the closest thing to family he has now. A singe of guilt pierces my heart at this realization, but I know I must go on.  
  
I no longer have the knife, I must have left it somewhere in his house. I trudge down the street, blind to all around me. I must get to him. The sky is dark, it is very late. Or perhaps it is very early. I do not know. Days and nights blend in a swirl of emotions and dreams. I find myself finally, at the corner. I walk to the manikin. I say I am meeting a friend. The manikin lets me in. It does not care what I do there really, just as long as I tell it I do have some sort of business in the building.  
  
The room I walk into is dark, the new fountain gurgling softly. I walk subconsciously to the desk. I give the man my wand, and then he fiddles around with it. After what seems like forever he hands it back to me and mumbles something along the lines of "Are you feeling ok?" I just walk away.  
  
I find a staircase and begin the accent to the ninth floor. I can remember that day, he was here with me, we were running as fast as we could. I can still here him saying, "Harry I'm coming, please be ok, please" When I reach the top of the ninth staircase I come to a halt. The door is at the end of the hallway. It may just be a hallucination but I swear it is opening very slowly, as if beckoning me to come in. I remember what he said here, those last words I would ever hear him speak.  
  
"Moony, I love you. No matter what happens in there, just promise me one thing. Get yourself and Harry out safe. If I am to fall, do not let him or yourself endanger you lives for me."  
  
I can also hear my own slightly frightened by his words, voice saying, "I understand, my dear Padfoot" That was 2 months ago, and if it were not for the fact that I was here to find him, the ache in my heart would have consumed me.  
  
Heading forward, I can see the images of that day rushing through my brain. With each step I take, I see our steps. The world is spinning, or maybe that's just the room. No, its not the room. It is the world, for it is not stopping. I trace the steps exactly from the film playing in my head. And in what seems like seconds I am at the veil. This place, this evil place. It stripped me of my life. I have not lived since that day. I wish once more to breath guilt free air, to smile and laugh, and feel true happiness. None of this can happen without him. I need him. To me he is life. This archway serves as a key. I shakily step forward. Blood is rushing in my head, the pounding of my heart has been amplified twenty times over. As I step into the veil, beautiful colors swerve around me.  
  
Time seems to stop. I can hear voices, not angry or sad voices, but happy ones. The joy of laughter fills my heart and I think I am actually feeling happiness. But then it comes, what I have been waiting for. I can hear him, his sharp laughter, that only to my ears can sound so soothing. As I begin to fall forward, all I can think is,  
  
I'm home Sirius.

* * *

Please review. I really would like to know how people liked it when I poured my heart into a story! 

-Mel


End file.
